you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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