Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
