and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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