So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
