Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
