I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have tasted many bathrooms
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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