Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
