When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize