It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
