I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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