just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
