you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
