Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize