he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I will pee on everything he values.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
