Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
