We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
and she was petting her beer can
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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