I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize