I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
