I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize