I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i think my cat just said my name.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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