dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
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