I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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