grandma shit on top of the toilet
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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