If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
