I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
