so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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