Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I forget how to act sober
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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