Don't make out with my wife yet
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
