People with herpes should wear stickers.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Life without a bra equals bliss.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
