there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
