I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
