I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
