There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Define "chronic" masturbator.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize