you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
