Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize