Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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