Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
