Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need water and some morals
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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