That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
