Your mouth is God's brothel.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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