I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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