I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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