Where is the hickey?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize