I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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