I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Welp...herpes.
im holly from the hills drunk
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
