This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
