woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And then the night went full on bisexual.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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