Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize