So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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