It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
