i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
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