If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
