Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
