someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
