Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i drank out of a bidet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
