Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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