I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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