I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
either way he was missing a nipple.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize