Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
