Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
