Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you didnt know i had herpes?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
