I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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