She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
