i just had sex bonerless
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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