what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
