Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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