new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
