Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize