I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
