im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
