I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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