Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
