You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
