i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
