I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
